This humorous speech DOORS was presented at the Toastmasters International District 42 Spring Convention in Calgary in 1988. The speech had already won awards at the Club, Area, and Division levels in Edmonton. All speeches at the convention were recorded on a video cassette but the cassette got lost, and recently found in a basement and was digitized. How can DOORS be so humorous and funny? Read the transcript below. Or watch the video and hear for yourself. If you like it, please give it a thumbs up. Your comments will be much appreciated. Please share with family, friends and social groups. Thank you and have FUN.
DOORS
Mr. Toastmaster, ladies and gentlemen.
Ever since I was a child and read the story of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, I have been intrigued by doors.
Ali Baba would say “Open Sesame” and the doors to his secret cave would open and let him in – and I was intrigued.
Would the door have opened and closed as easily if I was Ali Baba?
I doubt it very much – because I have yet to develop a good understanding with doors
If you think doors are lifeless things, you are mistaken. Doors are very stubborn creatures – when I want them left open, they close on me; when I want them to remain partly open – they refuse. If I am trying to go to sleep on a hot summer night with my windows open and if the doors in my house are not sleepy – they will creep and creak and make sure I don’t go to sleep either.
Then you would ask me why don’t I just avoid doors – well, how can you avoid them – they are all over the place.
The front door, the side door, the back door, the garage door, the sliding door, the revolving door, the right – hand door, the left – hand door, the French door, the storm door etc. There is no escape from them. And even if you wanted to escape – you need an escape door.
As far as I am concerned, doors are a health hazard. They have hit me right in my face when I have tried to go through them by being completely transparent and spotless; my fingers have been crushed by my car doors by collaborating with my children when they were young; and it is the refrigerator door that is responsible for my overweight and not – so – slim waistline.
In the corporate world, policy and power are controlled by doors. Some executives have an “open door policy” and some have a “closed door policy”. And some, like the Alberta government, have a “no door” policy.
Big decisions and big changes take place behind closed doors.
This reminds me of the story of an old farmer who went to the big city with his friend to see his lawyer in a modern office tower. While he was sitting down in the lobby, he saw an older lady go behind the elevator doors – some numbers flashed above the elevator and after a couple of minutes the door opened again and a beautiful, shapely blonde walked out. The farmer’s eyes twinkled and he rushed towards his half – ton truck parked outside. His friend asked him where he was going – the farmer replied, “Where the heck do you think I’m going – I’m going to get my old lady here and send her behind the doors of that small room with flashing lights!”
(Sigh)
And then, ladies and gentlemen, there are the automatic doors – take the automatic door of my garage. It works fine during the spring, summer, and the fall – but come winter, especially if there is a blizzard raging outside – it either refuses to open or opens just partly and gets stuck! You know what it really wants? It wants me to get out of my car in – 40°C and kneel in front of it and crawl underneath so I can get inside and open the door manually.
You are familiar with the automatic doors at department stores and supermarkets – the kind with camera – like sensors located above the automatic doors – you know the one I mean – well, this kind of doors are really mean to me.
Just visualize – I have grocery bags in both arms, and as I proceed towards this door, it completely ignores me; until I look at the camera – like sensor and give it my best smile and plead quite audibly “please, please” and then, and then only, it opens at the very last moment – and closes quickly almost before I fully step out.
Another typical trick doors of my home play on me is they shrink – even in summer when everything is growing and expanding – the doors of my home shrink.
How else would you explain that when I buy furniture and appliances – the movers and delivery people have no problem bringing them in. But when I have to take the same items out again – the doors of my home just shrink, no matter how hard I struggle.
I ask you God – why me? Why, oh why? I am sure you Peter, Melody and Bob – you don’t have these problems with doors in your life – you are always able to know whether to open the door by pushing it or pulling it. Why is it that I always see the arrow and the small sign that says “please use the other door” and when I reach that other door, it is locked anyway.
Why – oh why, Dale Carnegie did not write a book “How to Make Friends with and Influence Doors”?
Surely there is someone amongst you who can help me – who can show me the trick that will make my life easier with doors – if there is someone who can show me the trick of saying “Open Sesame” in a way that I can also get along with doors in my life – if there is someone out there to help me – then the doors of my heart and mind are open to welcome you!
Mr. Toastmaster